Having a son

 

Rivers has been my best buddy since he was laid in my arms.

We do everything together.

Go everywhere together.

I have loved having a son.

 

This Friday we will hopefully find out the gender of our second baby.

Scott and I are very excited.

But with all that excitement comes a bit of guilt for me.

 I have loved every minute of being Rivers mom, and I'm afraid of how

having a new baby will change our relationship.

 I'm also afraid of having a daughter, Rivers is my "mama's boy"

I'm the one he wants at bed time

the one he runs to when he's hurt

the one he looks for in the crowds

I'm the one he wants to share with

and I'm the one who he will compare every other woman to for the rest of his life.

 Having another boy would be easier.

I know what little boys like, and I'm a great mom to a boy.

Plus, matching sweater vest on Sundays.

 Maybe I should have thought about all this before having another baby.

My love for Rivers I'm sure will only multiply and that this second baby will steal my heart like their big brother did.

I never saw myself as a mother with a daughter.

Little girls are "daddy's girls" and I would love nothing more than to give that

to Scott, but the selfish part of me likes being the

important parent.

Having a girl scares me, I'm a girl, girls are mean

I work with Young Women at church, and I

see the way they see themselves and

the way the world sees them.

I'm just not sure if I'm up to the challenge.

 

I will be thrilled either way on Friday, and if by chance I have a girl I am sure I will be eating my words here. 

Part of me does want a little girl, to dress up and teach how to dress and apply make-up, and help pick out clothes and prom dresses.

 

Secretly I think this baby is a girl, and that is the reason I feel this way.

 

With Rivers I knew he was a boy, without a question or doubt.

This pregnancy has been so different from him.

 

Going by old wives tales, Rivers should have been a girl.

Tangy food, fast heart rate, prolonged intense, long morning sickness

but he was a boy. 

Also while pregnant with him my skin was so gross, I got hair on my face, and I was so sweaty. I also lost about 10 lbs with him

This pregnancy my skin is amazing, my hair and skin are really dry and I'm often cold.  I'm sure by July I'll be toasty warm.

This pregnancy I've had to have salty foods followed by sweets.

I've had mild morning sickness, only lost about 6 lbs.

This baby has a healthy heart rate, slower than Rivers, and I'm far more tired than I was with him.

Cravings have been insane this time around.  I crave it, eat it, don't want it again.

I can't stand chicken in any forms except tortilla soup from Cafe Rio.

I love green beans, tomato sauce, white breads, and dipping things.

It's so insane.  I'll want a big bowl of soup with lots of bread to dip into it.

Carrots and ranch dressing, Nutella and graham crackers,

cookie butter and pretzels.

Dip, dip, dip.

 

So those are my reasons for thinking baby is a girl. 

Anyway, I feel bad writing this and I'm debating about posting it.

Positive feedback please.

Tell me girls are sugar and spice and everything nice and that my fears

are so silly.

 

I'm also having lots of anxiety today and I'm not sure why.

I think it's all the stress I'm feeling for this week, lots of pressing appointments.

I hate having so many pressing things on my time.

All that plus finding time to play with my little man is always a priority