Rivers

I met Rivers on October 24, 2010.  He quickly became my best friend. It's true. I'm head over heels for this little man.  I'm pretty sure I've met him before, eternally speaking.

Look at that squishy face.

My favorite picture taken the day he was born

He stole Grandma's hat during the Bountiful Parade. He kept saying "I funny"

21 Months after that first picture and he's so big and smart and fun and amazing.  I love him!

To this day I can't believe Rivers is mine.
Rivers will always have a very special, sacred place in my heart.  I'm sure my other children will as well, but since I only have him to consider right now I feel I can say that. 

I wasn't one of those girls who wanted to grow up and be a "mommy", I played with dolls but I like to dress them and do their hair.  I grew up reading beauty magazines and playing with make-up. I wanted to be a model or a fashion magazine editor, or even just reporter.

Babies never really fit into the deal.  I loved clothes and shoes and make up and stores and glamor.  I never had a maternal drive like most girls I knew.  I was never bothered by this.  I figured I had just found my notch in life.  I was voted best dressed in High School, I always had good looking hair and the best hair cuts.  Those were just the things that interested me.

Around 20 years old I felt the strong desire to serve a mission.  So I did.  It was awesome.  I loved being a missionary and I really did feel I helped those who I met in NY.  Being in NY was great.  I was in upstate NY which is different than the city of NY, but there was still an amazing sense of fashion and design that I loved.  I was able to spend some time in the city later on, which I fell in love with. I'd serve a mission again, anywhere, in a heart beat.

I've also always been very nomadic.  My parents hated this.  I chose not to get a "higher education" because I loved having freedom. Leaving when I want, coming back when I felt the fancy. I had plans to be famous so travel was a need.

Scott and Rivers never really fit into my life.

Shortly after returning from serving a mission in May of 2003 I had a bit of an unusual experience.

This is where my story gets a bit sacred, ok a lot sacred.  I've never really discussed this with anyone other than Scott, and I hold this near and dear to my heart.  Also, this isn't church doctrine or anything so please don't make me out to be anything special.  This is just what I experienced and what I felt. 

One day I woke up with the strong desire to have a baby. I was 23 and had only returned home from serving and LDS mission a few weeks earlier.  I think I was still on that Missionary spiritual high.  I had written a group e-mail to some friends both in NY and UT expressing these feelings stating that maybe it was time for me to "settle down" and have babies.  I was a bit lost at this time of my life.  While I was a missionary I felt the whole world had changed.  Everyone had cell phone and was watching reality television.  The world was turning "trashy" I felt. I had some decisions to make in my life.  My boyfriend before my mission wasn't interested anymore, I wasn't in school, I had no job, I was scared. Then to top it all off I was feeling this strong need to have a baby that was getting stronger with each passing day.

A few ideas I received from some friends were that maybe I was about to meet my "baby daddy", or maybe I was going to meet someone who had kids and was divorced, or maybe I was going to adopt older kids who were being born then.  I thought these were all good possibilities and tried to put these feelings on the back burner.

They got stronger.  It was becoming nagging.  "Have a baby, have a baby, have a baby" was in my mind ALL the time.  I hated it.  Kids were gross, they leaked from every hole on their bodies. They were messy and noisy. But there it was "have a baby, have a baby, have a baby."

One day I was on the freeway driving to my apartment in Salt Lake that I shared with some friends and the thought was clear. It shouted at me "Mommy! I want a body!" WTH. I had to get off the freeway and cry.  This nagging spirit was, what I felt, my unborn baby calling out to me from the spirit world. How was I supposed to have a baby?  I wasn't dating anyone seriously, I was working a lot, No real potential for a father in sight and I wanted to do this the way the Lord commanded.  So through my tears I stated "If you want a body you had better help me find your daddy."

A few weeks later I met Scott.  When I met him I knew he was the man I was going to marry.  I even said that to some friends and joked about how weird and crazy I sounded.  Who just meets someone and thinks "Oh, there's my husband."  Besides Scott was dating someone else.  So I did what any girl would do.  I made myself available to him.  It worked and before I knew it Scott and I were talking marriage and family.  I could feel that little spirit bursting!  Finally his mommy and daddy were going to make his wishes and wants come true. 

I wanted babies almost immediately after I was married, but Scott wanted to wait.  We compromised and waited a year.  I hated being pregnant, it was awful, but I always knew who was inside of me.  I could feel his spirit and knew that he was a Boy, my boy, my nagging little spirit I knew from the pre-existence. 

When he was born I was thrilled, and sad.  That spirit that had been so close to me for so long was gone, well not gone, but not as present in my life.  Rivers hated being a newborn.  He cried a lot.  He hated his new little incapable body.  I missed the joy his spirit was being so close to mine. 

Now that he's getting bigger, and talking a ton, and growing and doing the things he has always wanted to do I notice how familiar he is to me, because I have always known him.  He was and still is that sweet spirit that I used to talk to and consult all my decisions with.  He's my unintentional soul mate.  I often feel like I've known him forever.  He's my world.  He helped me find Scott, he taught me to be a mom.  How to learn to wear old clothes, how to get ready in 2 minutes, and forces me to learn to cook.  He plays with me, loves me, teaches me, forces me to be better, and makes me happy.  All things he's done from the moment I first felt that special little spirit begging me for a body. 

I cherish everyday I have with him.