I'm just going to take moment to vent, since I use my blog largely for my journal, I don't care that I'm writing out these feelings.
I'm one of those mom's that just adores her baby. I find myself talking about him at every chance, and thinking about him and missing him all the time, even after he goes down to sleep for the night.
Rivers is such a difficult baby. I don't have any other children to compare him too, just friends and family's kids, but I just feel like I have the cute little boy with a personality the size of the moon. I ask him all the time how such a little boy could have such a big personality. I just feel so tired and drained at the end of everyday. Rivers likes to be held constantly, which makes doing anything else a challenge. I've even learned how to go pee, and wash my hands while holding him. Sometimes, when I hear others talk or see other babies, I wish mine was more like them. My baby won't eat if there is any kind of noise of distraction. He'll take the bottle fine as long as he can watch tv at the same time. If I talk he wants to see who I'm talking to, and wants to talk himself. He won't play with his toys on the floor, he whines the whole time and only stops when you pick him up. We've tried every new baby gadget out there, and those only provide momentary relief. He's so loud, his new trick is to squeal very loudly, all the time. I know I was cursed with a child like myself, looks like I got it. I hate getting frusterated with him because he's in this little body he can't control, and I imagine that has to be more frusterting for him than for me.
I feel like I just keep waiting for the next milestone in his life in hopes of him being better. I've dealt with colic, and reverse cycling, and growth spurts, and nipple confusion, and spitting up.
By 3 months babies are supposed to mellow out, but I think my son had gotten worse. Now I'm waiting for 6 months when he can sit up on his own a trys to learn to crawl, and can play with his toys. But I wonder if my baby will just be worse, I wonder if I will spend my whole life with him waiting to be disappointed. I want a baby that smiles and laughs, a baby that's calm and only crys when he's in pain or hungry or uncomfortable. I want my baby, just turned down a notch. Maybe I'm doing something wrong. Maybe I've spoiled him somehow, or I've missed something in all the parenting books or doctors visits. I mostly just hate feeling like a bad mother. I've checked for colds, and earaches, and teething. Maybe we will just stop here and have an awkward only child, because I don't know how I'm supposed to care for another child and take care of Rivers, or take care of another child like Rivers.
I'm sure I'll feel better in the morning, but for now I'm just going to keep praying for answers on how to handle my little Dennis the Menace...
Big * Middle * Little
Just a Blog about my boys, helmets, food and family....
2 comments:
Mystie - I'm so sorry it's so hard for you. Brooklyn is a good baby, but we had lots of days like that and still do, where she just wants to be held and I can't get much done. I know you're just venting and probably don't want advice, but have you tried a baby carrier like a ring sling? It was a life saver for me! It holds the baby more against your chest or hip which is more natural and snuggly for them, but then you have two hands again. Let me know if you want any info - I'm sure you are a great mom and don't feel guilty, I lose my patience more than I'd like to admit even with a child that I love so much!
Alaina was a difficult baby too. She wouldn't sleep more than 2 hours at a time and she also needed to be held constantly - but she wanted to be facing out, not snuggling with you. That would just make her madder if you tried to hold her like she was a baby. She was also a very poor eater and only weighed 13 pounds when she was one year old.
It made me feel really guilty and it put a huge strain on our marriage (the crying and the lack of sleep for all of us and the ornery feelings 24/7). But I finally figured out that she had a big personality too, and that she was very intelligent and independent. She just did not like being a baby.
Now that she is four years old, she is a dream. She is very inquisitive and talkative, she loves doing things by herself, and she is absolutely hilarious. I wish she could stay this age forever. I used her strong and independent will to my advantage and convinced her that big girls clean their rooms all by themselves, and now she doesn't need my help. Muhahahahhaaahahaaha!
Hang in there Mystie. Like you said, Rivers has a big personality and he has big plans for this world. You are doing your best, and you are a good mom. Don't worry about what those other kids or their moms are doing. They are probably comparing themselves to you in some way as well. :)
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