5 years

5 years ago I married my best friend Scott Shepherd

He makes me laugh harder than anyone I know.
He cares for me.
He takes care of me.
He has the best smile, and the brightest eyes.

He loves the Lord, and honors his covenants.
He is the most amazing father.
He is kind and patient.
He is the most amazing person I've ever met.

Scott puts up with my craziness.
Scott loves me when I'm not easy to love.

And I love him.

Here's to eternity...

5 years, 4 callings, 3 moves, 2 kids, 1 love.

Thanks for every thing, every day, every moment.  

C-section vs. Vaginal delivery

So I'm waiting online currently for a chat person to help answer some questions and the wait time is 17 minutes.  I decided to take this time and quickly post about my experience with these two different forms of delivery.

Rivers was a typical vaginal delivery, and Oliver was a planned c-section due to being breech.

Rivers: Due date:October 25, 2010
          Arrival: October 24, 2010.  Vaginal

Oliver: Due date: July 23, 2013
          Arrival: July 17,2013.  Cesarean section

Both boys were early, Oliver by about a week, this is because he was breech and my doctor wouldn't schedule c-sections before 39 weeks.

Rivers: started labor 5:00 am on the 23, delivered 5:36 the following day.  Labored at home for 12 hours until my water broke, only dilated 1 cm when arrived at hospital, pushed from 2:00 AM until he came out at 5:36.  

Oliver: checked in at 6:00 AM on the 17, surgery scheduled for 7:30.  Born at 8:05.

Pain control:

With Rivers I had an epidural, with Oliver it was a spinal.  I hated the epidural, it hurt getting and made me shaky.  I was in so much pain for so long by this point I wanted as much pain relief as I could get as fast as I could get.  I think I took too much because I was numb in my right leg for about a day after Rivers was born, and it made it more difficult to push.  Plus getting the epidural hurt and left a huge bruise on my back.

With Oliver it was surgery so I had the spinal which felt like a tiny bee sting, it was higher on my back, and felt quite pleasant.  It worked fast and wore off quickly after the surgery.  I loved the spinal.

Recovery:

The biggest challenge I had recovering with Rivers was going poop after.  TMI I know, but I thought I was going to die!  I was super tired after having Rivers, but a lot of that had to do with the fact that I pushed for nearly 4 hours.  I was up walking a few hours after his birth, and was given typical pain killers.  By 6 weeks I had no bleeding, and felt largely normal, maybe a little fat and my boobs were sore from nursing.

With Oliver I was given 2 types of painkillers and they kept them on a pretty good schedule so I never got uncomfortable.  It took longer to get up and walk, and I nearly passed out the first time and had to get wheeled back to my room.  Getting in and out of bed and going to the bathroom was the worst!  I bled until 5 weeks.
I was surprised by how much bleeding I had after the c-section.  since the baby didn't come out the traditional way i didn't think there would be any.  I still had the same no swimming for 6 weeks rule, as well as all the other things you can't do before 6 weeks, like exercising and such.  Every now and then my incision will hurt, and often my stomach muscles are sore.  It's all very manageable.  

Postpartum:

With Rivers I got really bad PPD.  No one really talks about it, but there were days when all I could do was feed him, dress him and change his bum, and I did all this so people wouldn't think I was a bad mother.  Rivers had colic and cried a lot.  Some days I couldn't stand to look at him and I cried a lot.  I hate those memories, some of my darkest days.  By 12 weeks postpartum I felt better and was able to be the mother I wanted to be, but it was a long dark road.

With Ollie I haven't had any of those feelings.  I have felt like singing on the top of a mountain.  I love everything he does, he eats so well, sleeps so well, loves to snuggle and is generally a good baby.  He would eat all day if I let him.  He doesn't like to be around a lot of people and gets overwhelmed easy.  I feel really good. Maybe it was because I was prepared for the worse after having a rough first baby, but my attitude is generally more upbeat this go around.  I feel very blessed about that.  


So, which would I chose as a form of having babies?  Neither.  Both kinda suck, I could only imagine how miserable having a baby would be if you went into labor, labored for a while, then had a Cesarean.  I also was never induced so I have no comparison for that.
I really doubt I'm going to have anymore babies.  I have 2 great little boys and I have the challenge of raising strong worthy future priesthood holders and I think that's enough of a challenge for me to face in this lifetime.  Many people have asked about trying to have a girl, and I'm sure I would love a daughter, but I think I'll be okay if I didn't have girl.  I honestly don't feel like I'm missing out on anything.  I might be changing my tune in a few years, but I don't think Scott could handle another pregnancy, and I don't know if I could handle another delivery.  I hate feeling helpless, and incapable.  Plus, the morning sickness, and the kidney stones, and the back pain, and the lack of sleep.  No thank you, I'll just sit back and enjoy my family of four.    

One thing I never want again in a breech baby.  My poor little Ollie has had so many problems due to being breech for so long.  I am not in a place to talk about it much right now, it's nothing life threatening, and he is currently developing mentally and physically normal so don't worry about that, but if any readers out there could keep him in your prayers I would appreciate that.  I need some good vibes over here :)

Oliver's Birth

I've wanted to post about my sweet Ollie's birth, mainly so I won't forget it.

With Oliver, unlike Rivers, it wasn't some sort of waiting game like most deliveries, we had a set date and time that he would be born.  As I mentioned in the previous post I was ready to be done with this pregnancy.  I was also completely worried about Rivers care while I was having the baby.  Rivers is a particular child with a set routine, and I'm always certain that no one can take care of my children as well as I can.  This was causing me a lot of anxiety.  I feel that my Heavenly Father really knows me and he knew that unless I was forced to have a c-section I wouldn't do it, and also knowing what a planner I am He found a way for me to plan Oliver's birth and Rivers care.  

Having the c-section really wasn't that bad.

On the morning of July 17, 2013 Scott and I woke up at an unearthly hour that has now become familiar.  My Operation time was 7:30 AM and I had to check into the hospital at 6:00 AM. I had a grumpy pre-op nurse who kept complaining about how early she had to be there.  She missed the vein and hit a valve while putting in my IV giving me a lovely bruise.

This was after being home for about 2 weeks.  This bruise is gone now, but it stuck around for a nice long time.  

Before surgery I tried to relax by watching some TV, but I was a nervous wreck, and felt like throwing up.  I was scared, I'd never had any type of surgery before.  I talked with my Doctor and signed all the paper work and they walked me in to the operating room.  By this point I was crying.  I remember this nice nurse trying to introduce herself to me as the nurse who would be taking care of and cleaning up my baby when he was born, but I was crying so bad I don't remember much of what she said.

After that I got the spinal, which compared to the epidural was amazing.  Small little poke on my mid back and everything went warm.  My anesthesiologist was really great, and was the same on my doctor had when she had her c-section for a breech baby a year before, another reason I loved my OB/GYN.

They poked me to see if I was numb and then got started.  Oliver came out pretty quickly and they rushed him to the clean up room and began putting me back together.  To the right of me was a window where I could watch what was going on and I sent Scott in to get pictures.  After that I began to drift off.  I was warm and numb and the doctors were talking amongst themselves.  a few minutes later Scott walked in (crying) holding our sweet little boy who was wrapped up so tight, looking around.  Then I cried.  After I was all stitched, glued, and stapled up I was moved of the operating table into a hospital bed and I went on my way to postpartum.  

I spent 3 days in the hospital, which was like a vacation.  I didn't have to cook or clean, I got to pick what I wanted to watch on TV, they brought me food when I asked, I got to sleep when I could.  It was pretty nice. 

 My view, sleeping baby, sleeping hubby, watching the news.  They kept my pain pretty controlled.  My nurses were great, and the hardest part was getting in and out of bed.  I was able to eat that night, and go to the bathroom on my own.

One thing I want to make sure I remember is that while still in the recovery room they left me try to nurse.  Oliver latched on right away and we had no problems.  He ate well from day one and by 2 days old my milk came in and we've had no problem, well except that he eats all the time!  I'm aware he is growing a lot right now, but Rivers never ate like this.  He is rather gassy like his brother, and I'm sure that is my fault.  I can't figure out what I'm eating that is giving/gave my boys gas, but I have become an expert on getting the gas bubbles out so I'm not too stressed.

Shortly after we came home Scott had to get back to work at the fireworks tent he ran for the summer.  River spent 3 days with his grandparents and I spent those days with my sweet new man.  I loved those days.  Ollie and I just ate, slept and snuggled all day.  I'm always been kind of selfish with my babies, and I will treasure those days that it was just the 2 of us.  I loved sleeping with my baby on my chest.  We watched late night TV, and enjoyed wonderful food from the people in our ward.  Oliver's birth has really been wonderful, and he's also quite wonderful.

And we're pretty smitten with each other.

Oliver Eugene!!!

We welcomed our second little man on July 17, 2013

Stats:
Born: 8:05 AM
Weight: 6 pounds 10 ounces
Height: 21 inches

We got us another long skinny baby!  He is just a perfect slice of heaven, and I am enjoying him a little too much!!

Oliver was born breech, via a planned c-section.  We discovered he was breech around 35 weeks and I tried everything to get the little stinker to turn, but he's stubborn and after the horrible pregnancy I had to endure, having a set date and time came as a relief.  I'll post another post about the whole c-section vs. vaginal birth later, for now enjoy some pictures of my sweet boy.

 T minus 10 hours until hospital check in.  39 weeks, with a total weight gain of 13 pounds.  It was a rough pregnancy...

 Ollie came out bum first, and peed everywhere!!  BTW they rounded his weight up to 10 ounces.

 Look at that angel face!  He's so yummy!! 

 Meeting his big brother.  They get along well enough, some days certainly are better than others.  I feel like Rivers is louder now somehow.

 This kid has some seriously long fingers!! We need to invest in a piano for sure

Oliver really is a dream baby, he eats well and latched on while I was still in recovery.  My milk came in within 2 days and when Ollie is done eating he sleeps.  He only cries when hungry or uncomfortable.  I never knew babies could be this way!!  Rivers struggles to latch, and had colic and was a poor eater, and still is.  I try not to compare my kids, but it's hard since they really are so different.  

I feel like Oliver is my reward for a terrible pregnancy, a colicky first born and the need for a c-section.  He really is just this perfect little man sent to me from heaven.  

He is a perfect fit into our family and I'm so so so grateful to have him.  We are still adjusting, but he is just a dream!!

This Pregnancy

Has been terrible.

Now I know that there are plenty of women who have it worse, and I should just continue keeping my mouth shut, but we all know I can't.

Scott and I decided to try for a second child about 6 months before I became pregnant.  Those were dark months for me.  Every month I wasn't pregnant I was sad and angry.  The logical side of me understood that getting pregnant quickly doesn't happen often, even though it did with Rivers.  I found out I was pregnant 3 weeks after getting called to be the Young Women's President.  Scott and I just laughed and considered it a blessing to finally be pregnant after getting called into such an overwhelming calling.  

About a week later the morning sickness started.

I was sick through Thanksgiving, Scott's birthday, Christmas, New Years, Valentines day, and St. Patrick's day.  Around 17 weeks I wasn't getting sick as much, and by 20 weeks I was finally past the sickness phase.  Those were celebrated days, with walks and zoo visits and fun.  

At 23 weeks I got kidney stones, not just once, but at least 3 times.  I spent the month of April in misery and discomfort while being drugged up and Scott was preparing and taking finals.  I spent hours crying and praying for comfort. Finally, they passed and my doctors and I had decided to overhaul my lifestyle to figure out why I was having the problems I was having.  

Through out all of this the baby has been fine.  I was pre-diagnosed with Crohn's Disease.  No sugary drinks, low fiber high protein diet, no dairy, no eggs, no "trigger" foods that may hurt my tummy.  This is often easier to talk about than do.  After all this my OB did some blood work and found out I was anemic.  

I have had to take a ton of pills and vitamins.  

I finally feel better, and I've been able to be the mom and wife and YW's president I wanted to be.  

While at the doctors last week my doctor felt around and is pretty sure the baby is breech.  I have to get him to turn!!  On July 1 I'll have an Ultrasound and we will get a better picture of the baby.  If he hasn't turned by 38 weeks I will likely have to have a c-section.  Not thrilled.  I have felt so discouraged.  I feel like it is just one thing after another with this pregnancy.  I have had just set back after set back.  

I have wanted this baby for so long, and I feel like this was the absolute worse time to get pregnant.  I feel bad for all the hardship I've put my husband and son through.  

Prayers are welcomed at this time as it never hurts to have more prayers on my side.  

I also welcome any tips for turning him.  

I'm ready for this all to be over....

Feelings

I feel I have a pretty good life.  Nothing that people make movies about or write books about, but good, content.

Yet I notice lately that I feel numb.

Now I'm 7 months pregnant, with a two year old, so these feelings could all just be hormone driven, but I have found myself lacking in emotions.

I don't get excited about anything, happy, sad or angry.  Most days I just feel like I'm going through the motions.

I think it might be taking it's toll on my family.

I mean I have concern for their well being, but for the most part I feel everyday is just a day, leading to the next, with its accompanying tasks.  I don't get angry anymore when my child misbehaves, happy when my husband comes home from school, excited to go to bed.  All things that I did before.  

I talked to my doctor about depression, but my lack of sadness, and still getting things done is no cause for alarm.  I still care about things like my appearance and my home and what's for dinner, but my lust for life is gone.

Recently Scott's young 22 year old cousin died.  This was a sad and shocking event, but I had a hard time mustering up the emotions.  I felt sad for her parents and sisters, and sad for the things in life she was going to miss out on, marriage, kids and family, and I really was blown away by the suddenness of her passing, but I guess because I know the plan of salvation so well I was also relieved that she wouldn't have to go through the same strife we do here on earth any more.  For that I was happy, but it wasn't even a joyous happy, more just a "good for her" happy.  The worse part is I don't feel there really anyone I can talk to about all this.  Do I even need to talk to anyone at all?

Plus I have a baby coming, and with Rivers and all of my nieces and nephews I was really excited for them to get here and join my family, but most days being pregnant is just a pain, a necessary evil, to fulfill the measure of my creation.  Times are tough, and for that reason I feel so blessed to be having another boy.  I already have lots of great boy things, and the idea of two cute little guys running around brings my heart joy, but the true happiness I get from having a life inside of me that I got with Rivers just is gone.  I had it when I first got pregnant, but after morning sickness hit the joy left.  I have had a rough pregnancy with lots of doctors and hospital visits, so I guess maybe that's why I'm not super excited.  

Maybe I just need a break, a chance to miss my life.  Just some time to remember who I am with out the title of wife, mother, Young Women's president, pregnant lady.  I was hoping with Scott out of school now that I might get that, but he's busy doing this:

 
Which I'm glad he's doing something that he loves, but I just seems like another way for him to distract himself from us.  He is always telling me to let him know and we can plan a time for me to do the things I want to do, but I get confused as to why I have to plan the things I want to do, and he gets to just do the things he wants to do, I by no means think less of him or want to stop him, but I'd love to just declare I needed to go to the store and leave with out packing up a 2 year old and going.  Maybe I just miss the freedoms I once had.  I'd let him watch Rivers while he's outside all day, but often Scott is unable to pay attention to him and we live on a busy street so I'm afraid something might happen, and often Scott is busy and doesn't want him out there.  Which if this was a "normal" job Rivers wouldn't be able to be with him anyhow.  

Blah I'm just being a whiner, and I need to stop looking for someone to comfort me.  This is the life I signed on for and I'm content to do it, I just wish I could see the joy and anger and emotions in it.  I'm hoping it's all just my hormones and soon enough I'll be back to my old crazy self.

Healthy again?

So my last post was posted the first day I got sick.  It has been a roller coaster here at the Shepherd home.

It started off with Kidney pain, now I had kidney stones when I was pregnant with Rivers, so I wasn't surprised to have kidney stones again.  I have pretty miserable morning sickness while I'm pregnant, as most women do, and after doing some research I have learned it is not uncommon to have kidney stones while pregnant, and I have a family history of poor kidney function.  While pregnant your digestion slows down, including of course calcium intake.  This causes me to have kidney stones.  I'm already lactose intolerant so in my normal, not pregnant life I try to avoid dairy.  But since we are a brainwashed society I do drink milk while pregnant to up my calcium intake for my growing baby.  Well, this is causing me to develop kidney stones.  

Kidney stones hurt, and the way my body responds to pain is to vomit.  So after 20 weeks of morning sickness, I got about 2 weeks of relief before the kidney pain started.  It's been off and on for over a month now.  I went and saw a crazy Urologist, and been working with my OB, but I have had to completely overhaul my diet.  Did I mention that they think I might also have Crohn's disease.  We have no way checking for sure until after the baby is born since you have to have a colonoscopy and that can't be done while pregnant.  I have to keep a detailed food diary, and drink at least 2 liters of water a day.  I am allowed 1 cup of orange juice when I take my Iron pill since it was also discovered that I have anemia.  Anemia is not uncommon while pregnant, however I was sad when I saw how much hair I was losing until the diagnosis.  

I never thought I was "unhealthy" until I had to start all this.  I knew I could be better, as most people, and I have never worried about my weight since all I've ever wanted was for my clothes to look nice on me.  I have also suffered an eating disorder as a teenager so I know how to avoid the triggers that might start me on that path again, so we don't own a scale and we don't deprive ourselves of treats.  By we I really meant I, but Scott is a good enough sport to go along with it.  

Well, after a month of crying, and throwing up, and people taking my child so I can rest, and people coming in to help take care of my home, and going to doctors, and ultrasounds, and blood work, and hospital visits, painkillers, and finals, and late night study sessions, I think the worst is finally behind me.  I haven't gained as much weight this pregnancy as I should, but the baby is healthy so my job is to eat more to take care of myself.  I know, how rough :).

Also my wonderful unborn child is pushing on my cervix, and kicking my poor sore kidneys and laying on nerves that make my legs go numb, but I think I am finally on the upswing.  I have an appetite again, I can sleep, Scott is done with school and looking for an internship.  It's a relief to feel human again.  I have also been grateful to my loving neighbors and presidency for being able to step up and help, and even though my body has been through so much I am grateful that I am able to carry this baby that I wanted so bad. It could have been worse, I had to work really hard to conceive this baby and even though that was a long road, I am grateful for this body.  It may struggle, but it does what I need it to do.  

Scott is also amazing, but that goes with out saying :)