Feelings

I feel I have a pretty good life.  Nothing that people make movies about or write books about, but good, content.

Yet I notice lately that I feel numb.

Now I'm 7 months pregnant, with a two year old, so these feelings could all just be hormone driven, but I have found myself lacking in emotions.

I don't get excited about anything, happy, sad or angry.  Most days I just feel like I'm going through the motions.

I think it might be taking it's toll on my family.

I mean I have concern for their well being, but for the most part I feel everyday is just a day, leading to the next, with its accompanying tasks.  I don't get angry anymore when my child misbehaves, happy when my husband comes home from school, excited to go to bed.  All things that I did before.  

I talked to my doctor about depression, but my lack of sadness, and still getting things done is no cause for alarm.  I still care about things like my appearance and my home and what's for dinner, but my lust for life is gone.

Recently Scott's young 22 year old cousin died.  This was a sad and shocking event, but I had a hard time mustering up the emotions.  I felt sad for her parents and sisters, and sad for the things in life she was going to miss out on, marriage, kids and family, and I really was blown away by the suddenness of her passing, but I guess because I know the plan of salvation so well I was also relieved that she wouldn't have to go through the same strife we do here on earth any more.  For that I was happy, but it wasn't even a joyous happy, more just a "good for her" happy.  The worse part is I don't feel there really anyone I can talk to about all this.  Do I even need to talk to anyone at all?

Plus I have a baby coming, and with Rivers and all of my nieces and nephews I was really excited for them to get here and join my family, but most days being pregnant is just a pain, a necessary evil, to fulfill the measure of my creation.  Times are tough, and for that reason I feel so blessed to be having another boy.  I already have lots of great boy things, and the idea of two cute little guys running around brings my heart joy, but the true happiness I get from having a life inside of me that I got with Rivers just is gone.  I had it when I first got pregnant, but after morning sickness hit the joy left.  I have had a rough pregnancy with lots of doctors and hospital visits, so I guess maybe that's why I'm not super excited.  

Maybe I just need a break, a chance to miss my life.  Just some time to remember who I am with out the title of wife, mother, Young Women's president, pregnant lady.  I was hoping with Scott out of school now that I might get that, but he's busy doing this:

 
Which I'm glad he's doing something that he loves, but I just seems like another way for him to distract himself from us.  He is always telling me to let him know and we can plan a time for me to do the things I want to do, but I get confused as to why I have to plan the things I want to do, and he gets to just do the things he wants to do, I by no means think less of him or want to stop him, but I'd love to just declare I needed to go to the store and leave with out packing up a 2 year old and going.  Maybe I just miss the freedoms I once had.  I'd let him watch Rivers while he's outside all day, but often Scott is unable to pay attention to him and we live on a busy street so I'm afraid something might happen, and often Scott is busy and doesn't want him out there.  Which if this was a "normal" job Rivers wouldn't be able to be with him anyhow.  

Blah I'm just being a whiner, and I need to stop looking for someone to comfort me.  This is the life I signed on for and I'm content to do it, I just wish I could see the joy and anger and emotions in it.  I'm hoping it's all just my hormones and soon enough I'll be back to my old crazy self.

Healthy again?

So my last post was posted the first day I got sick.  It has been a roller coaster here at the Shepherd home.

It started off with Kidney pain, now I had kidney stones when I was pregnant with Rivers, so I wasn't surprised to have kidney stones again.  I have pretty miserable morning sickness while I'm pregnant, as most women do, and after doing some research I have learned it is not uncommon to have kidney stones while pregnant, and I have a family history of poor kidney function.  While pregnant your digestion slows down, including of course calcium intake.  This causes me to have kidney stones.  I'm already lactose intolerant so in my normal, not pregnant life I try to avoid dairy.  But since we are a brainwashed society I do drink milk while pregnant to up my calcium intake for my growing baby.  Well, this is causing me to develop kidney stones.  

Kidney stones hurt, and the way my body responds to pain is to vomit.  So after 20 weeks of morning sickness, I got about 2 weeks of relief before the kidney pain started.  It's been off and on for over a month now.  I went and saw a crazy Urologist, and been working with my OB, but I have had to completely overhaul my diet.  Did I mention that they think I might also have Crohn's disease.  We have no way checking for sure until after the baby is born since you have to have a colonoscopy and that can't be done while pregnant.  I have to keep a detailed food diary, and drink at least 2 liters of water a day.  I am allowed 1 cup of orange juice when I take my Iron pill since it was also discovered that I have anemia.  Anemia is not uncommon while pregnant, however I was sad when I saw how much hair I was losing until the diagnosis.  

I never thought I was "unhealthy" until I had to start all this.  I knew I could be better, as most people, and I have never worried about my weight since all I've ever wanted was for my clothes to look nice on me.  I have also suffered an eating disorder as a teenager so I know how to avoid the triggers that might start me on that path again, so we don't own a scale and we don't deprive ourselves of treats.  By we I really meant I, but Scott is a good enough sport to go along with it.  

Well, after a month of crying, and throwing up, and people taking my child so I can rest, and people coming in to help take care of my home, and going to doctors, and ultrasounds, and blood work, and hospital visits, painkillers, and finals, and late night study sessions, I think the worst is finally behind me.  I haven't gained as much weight this pregnancy as I should, but the baby is healthy so my job is to eat more to take care of myself.  I know, how rough :).

Also my wonderful unborn child is pushing on my cervix, and kicking my poor sore kidneys and laying on nerves that make my legs go numb, but I think I am finally on the upswing.  I have an appetite again, I can sleep, Scott is done with school and looking for an internship.  It's a relief to feel human again.  I have also been grateful to my loving neighbors and presidency for being able to step up and help, and even though my body has been through so much I am grateful that I am able to carry this baby that I wanted so bad. It could have been worse, I had to work really hard to conceive this baby and even though that was a long road, I am grateful for this body.  It may struggle, but it does what I need it to do.  

Scott is also amazing, but that goes with out saying :)