Morning Sickness

Shortly after I found out I was pregnant I went to the Grocery store.  I found myself down the frozen meal section.  Having experienced being pregnant before I knew what I was in for, so I loaded my cart with frozen meals, not to mention the freezer meals I had made with my Mother-in-Law and Sister-in-Law back in September.  With Rivers my morning sickness started around 7 weeks, I would throw up all morning, and then randomly through out the day.  I lost 10 lbs.  I threw-up until I was 17 weeks, and was almost put on bed rest.  I was miserable.  I couldn't brush my teeth, or drink anything, or eat anything.  I was still working and pretending I was normal. 

This time around I'm a stay at home mom.  Rivers and I had a routine and we were happy.  While standing in front of the frozen meal section, I remembered.  I made a plan, extra cereal, lots of snacks, freezer full of frozen meals, I was ready. 

This pregnancy I wasn't throwing up as much.  I was thrilled!!  I was extremely tired, and hungry, but food turned me off.  A few weeks later began the nausea, then, later than I planned, the throwing up began.  Some days weren't so bad, some days it was uncontrollable.  Everyday I would check my pregnancy tracker on my phone, and everyday I would count how many days until I would enter my second trimester.  Well it finally did.  Only things got worse. 

I try to remember how much I wanted to have a second baby, and how hard I had to try, and how long I had to wait.  But when you're lying on the bathroom floor dry heaving those thoughts are hard to find.  Being a mom is the best thing I've ever done next to marry Scott.  I just wish it wasn't so hard for me to do.  Last night was really bad. I had given into some pretty big food cravings, some curly fries and a Jimmy Johns sandwich, three hours later that wonderful meal was saying hello again.  I was so mad! I usually cook at home, Scott and I rarely if ever eat out.  Which makes it even more frustrating since I spent good money on food to just watching go down the toilet.  Being on a tight budget I hate wasting money.  Last night was also a late one for Scott.  He had meetings and was getting things in order to cater his sisters wedding this weekend.  I felt so guilty as I started another episode of Mickey Mouse clubhouse for my 2 year old and ran back into the bathroom to throw up again.  I had to do dinner and baths and bedtime alone while being dizzy and light headed and crying.  I hated it.  After my sweet little man was tucked into bed I laid on the couch praying to feel better.  Every 20 minutes I laid on the bathroom floor praying for relief. 

Finally I took a shower.  Washed my hair and the sweat off of my stretching body.  Scott came home soon after and helped me get ready for bed, and brought me home some ginger ale.  Today I'm 16 weeks.  I'm eating very little and want white bread.  After naps I think we will make a trip to the store.  I made pizza dough (for mutual) and if I get the energy I'll make some cookies for mutual tonight. 

My biggest fear is that I have some how hurt the baby.  Then I cry.  I go see the doctor next Friday, where I will talk about this fear again. 

I have this talk often.

Following up!

So, based on my last post, and facebook conversations that took place and talking with some amazing ladies, I have realized that pretty much everyone feels this way at one point of another during their time of raising young children.

What a relief.

I don't think that there is any correct answer for what is best for everyone, but that being a good mom and good homemaker is a skill best learned over time with trial and error.

I feel this week has already been easier for me.  I have chosen not to beat myself up over the thing I don't accomplish in a day and look at the things I did accomplish. 

Yesterday during the Brigham City temple dedication I finally felt the peace I needed about my family, and it was so simple.  I have an eternity to get it right.  I am grateful everyday for my eternal family no matter how big of small it may be.  I worked out a baby-sitting trade with my neighbor to attend the dedication.  I watched her kids in the morning and she watched mine child in the afternoon.  It worked out just so amazing.  I was fretting and nervous the whole week about the behavior my child may have being watched by someone other than family.  I was afraid he'd whine and cry the whole time and be a royal pill.  Plus I was afraid Rivers would be glued to my leg while I was in the care of the other children.  I couldn't have been more wrong.  Rivers LOVED playing with the other kids, they climbed and laughed and chased each other.  When the neighbors came home after the 9 o'clock dedication Rivers was so worn out that he was ready for naps, and went down easily.  He was asleep when Scott and I left to go to the Noon dedication.  I dropped the monitor off and warned them that he might be grumpy with a poop when he awoke, and apologized before we left.

I love a good temple dedication!

When we got home Rivers was happy to see us and come home, but he was also so happy to play again with the neighbors.  It worked out so well I was almost in shock.  He was happy and funny and kept talking about about the kids and the toys.  Who knew my kid was so social.

Later that evening we went to a family gathering with Scott's family and he yet again had a blast playing with all his little cousins.  He played in the sand, and jumped on the tramp and climbed on swings and slides, he came home yet again pooped and went to sleep easily after a major p=bath since my child was filthy.

I learned a lot this Sunday.  When I went to bed with my very messy house I was feeling like a bad mom or homemaker, but rather I felt like the Lord was pleased with me.  That I was a good mom, and I have a happy, thriving, family and a pretty nice place. 

Needless to say I'm over my bad mom, bad wife, bad homemaker pity party.  Sorry.

Is It Possible

I've had a rough time this week.  See I was under the impression I could do it all, and this week has been a harsh reminder that I can't.  See, Once upon a time, I was a girl who looked at her mother in awe.  She worked, cleaned, cooked, look in style on a tight budget, and took care of her three children with what I thought was ease.  Over the last few years I have learned that she felt she made many, many mistakes.  As I look back on my childhood there are times when I agree with her and times when I don't.  I think she did the best she could with what she was given.  My mother is a saint, who is currently out living it up with my father on a two week vacation to celebrate thier 30th wedding anniverasry.  Lucky ducks.

But the question I propose is this.  Is it possible to be a good homemaker and a good mother?

I feel like everyday is a battle.  I could clean and organize and arrange a home I deem suitable for the family life I want, or I can play and teach my child and enjoy this amazing time of growth and love he has in his life right now.

I have continually chosen the latter, thinking that there would always be time to clean and organize and what-not.  Being a mom is hard work.  

At the end of most days I want to sit, read magazines, and enjoy the silence that comes from my sleeping child.  I feel an overwhelming amount of guilt that I should be cleaning up the kitchen, folding the laundry, or cleaning some room in the house.  I eventually go to bed with a messy house and just the minimal amount of cleaning done.  Plus a sink full of dishes I'll do in the morning after lunch and nap time, like I do every day, before dinner.

Oh dinner, yet another battle I face everyday.  As I'm trying to learn to cook, and provide balanced meals for my boys, I get frustrated when things don't turn out and my child will only eat Macaroni and Cheese.  I have given up on this battle, but not the war.  Rivers eats Mac and Cheese at least once a day.  I have found ways to make it healthier, and I always have a veggie on hand for every meal  (yes every meal) in case he wants to eat it.  Tonight was a good night, which lets me know I haven't lost the war.

Add on top of that all the fun things I want to do for the upcoming holidays, my calling the Young Women, and still finding time to spend with my every busy husband, I feel like I can't be both a good mom and a good homemaker.

So I'd like to open this up to discussion.

What are some ways that you, or your moms or grandmothers, have come up with for finding a balance?

Or is it even possible....

Motherhood: Not for Whimps

So, over the last few days I was reflecting on to the last few years, as I was making Thanksgiving plans and shopping lists.  I began to reflect on last year and how hard it was.  Hard for a few reasons.  One, I had a newborn.  Two, I was still on maternity leave so we had very little income.  Three, Rivers had Colic. Four, Still nursing every 2 hours. Five, Postpartum.
All these factors made Thanksgiving last year really hard on me. I spent the evening crying being mad at my husband and my baby.  It wasn't really either of their faults, but at the time I blamed them both.  It's amazing what a year can make!
Upon my reflection I began to think about all the insane things my child does. From that I began to wonder what his thought process was.  These are a few of the highlights of my wondering...

 He doesn't even like watching TV.  Why would he want to pull out all the DVDs?  He so happy about it too!!

 I'm not sure what's going on here, or how he managed to turn his chair or climb up on it, but he spent most of the morning here throwing toys yelling "Boooom!!"

 Why are there clean folded socks on the kitchen rug, and why would anyone leave them there? Further more why would you pull them out with no intention of wearing them?

 So, this one was actually really fun.  He climbed into my armour and would pop out and say "Boo".  I decided to climb in and try it out too.  Coolest mom ever!!!

 I'm not even sure what's going on here....

 Out of all of Rivers' cool toys he still finds my pots and pans and bowls more interesting.... He spends hours pulling them out and moving them around the house.  I found a pot lid in the tub the other day along with my work shoes and a book.  Really?

 One drink is never enough....

Why go trick or treating when you can just crawl under your high chair and eat food off the floor?

I love my baby, who is now a toddler.  A year ago I wouldn't have ever thought how cute and fun he would be.  I may not understand the way his changing brain works, but it certainly is fun trying to figure it out.
I must go now, there is a number of huge messes in my house I need to clean
Until next time....